Living abroad is often painted as an exciting, life-changing adventure. Many of us dream of moving to a new country and envision ourselves making local friends, mastering a new language, and integrating seamlessly into the local culture. But the reality? It’s much more complex and individual than that.

Each of us carries different expectations, experiences, and coping mechanisms that shape our international journey in unique ways. Comparing your experience to someone else’s often leads to unnecessary stress and disappointment.

In this post, Therapy in Barcelona Director and Founder, Australian Registered Psychologist Leigh Matthews explores why it’s completely okay if your life abroad doesn’t resemble the highlight reel of others, and how embracing your individual path can be both liberating and transformative.

The Human Tendency to Compare

It’s natural to compare ourselves to others. This tendency has been ingrained in us from a young age, as it helps us develop a sense of identity and place in the world. We compare to understand how we fit into our social circles, our work environments, and even our families. However, living abroad adds an extra layer of complexity to these comparisons.

When you’re an international, it’s easy to measure your progress against fellow expats or locals. Perhaps you see someone effortlessly picking up the local language, making a close group of local friends, or navigating their new career with ease. In contrast, you might feel like you’re struggling to adapt, learning at a slower pace, or not feeling as “settled” as you had hoped.

In a foreign environment, comparisons can be even more painful because your previous markers of success (such as being fluent in your native language or having strong social ties) are suddenly challenged. Yet, these comparisons often overlook the diverse factors that contribute to someone’s experience living abroad.

The Danger of Comparing Your Journey to Others

Let’s break down why comparing your life abroad to someone else’s can be problematic.

1. Different Personalities and Coping Styles: Some people thrive in new and unpredictable environments, while others need time to adjust. If you’re naturally introverted, you may need more time to build relationships, especially in a foreign setting. It doesn’t mean you’re doing it “wrong” – you’re simply moving at your own pace, in a way that feels safe and comfortable for you.
2. Stages of Life Matter: The stage of life you’re in significantly impacts your experience. A 20-something fresh out of university will have different priorities and challenges compared to a family relocating for work or an older adult seeking a slower pace in retirement. Comparing across these stages is like comparing apples to oranges. Everyone’s needs, goals, and abilities are in constant flux, and trying to measure up to someone in a completely different phase of life sets you up for failure.
3. Immigration Stressors: Research shows that immigrants and expatriates face unique psychological stressors, including cultural adjustment, isolation, and identity struggles. A study by the American Psychological Association highlighted the concept of “acculturative stress,” which refers to the psychological impact of adapting to a new culture. These stressors vary greatly depending on a person’s background, support system, and personality. Two people living in the same country may have vastly different experiences based on their resilience, social connections, and even the political climate surrounding immigration.
4. Different Goals and Values: Some people move abroad for adventure, others for career advancement, and some for personal growth or family reasons. What you value most in life will naturally shape your experience. For example, if your priority is advancing your career, you may have less time to focus on building deep local friendships, whereas someone who moved abroad for a lifestyle change may have more energy to invest in their social life. Both are valid paths, but they come with different sets of challenges and rewards.
5. Social Media vs Reality: The rise of social media has amplified our natural tendency to compare, but it often offers a distorted view of reality. People tend to share their successes – the language milestones, the picturesque sunsets, and the new friendships – but not the lonely nights, the visa headaches, or the cultural misunderstandings. You might be comparing your whole experience to someone else’s highlight reel, which can leave you feeling inadequate. But remember, social media doesn’t tell the full story.

Embrace Your Unique Path

If comparison is inevitable, how can we shift our mindset to make it more constructive?

1. Self-Reflection Over Comparison

Instead of constantly looking outward, turn inward. Take time to reflect on your journey and the progress you’ve made, however small it may seem. Journaling can be a powerful tool in this process. Write about your challenges and triumphs. You might find that you’ve overcome more than you realised. Reflecting on your own growth, rather than someone else’s, keeps the focus on your personal experience and prevents unnecessary feelings of inadequacy.

2. Acknowledge Different Stages

If you find yourself envying someone else’s progress, pause and ask yourself if that person is in the same stage of life as you. Maybe they’ve lived abroad for years and have had time to build deep connections, while you’ve just arrived. Or maybe their goals are entirely different from yours. Recognize that you’re on your own timeline, and rushing your progress won’t make the experience any more fulfilling.

3. Use Comparison as a Motivator, Not a Detractor

Comparisons don’t have to be inherently negative. When done with self-awareness, they can help you clarify your own goals and values. For example, if you’re envious of someone’s language proficiency, ask yourself why that matters to you. Is it because you want to feel more integrated into the local culture? If so, use that insight to set realistic goals for language learning that work for you. Small, achievable steps toward your goal will help you stay motivated without feeling overwhelmed by someone else’s progress.

4. Surround Yourself with Support

Find a community that shares your experiences, but without the pressure of competition. Joining international groups, therapy sessions, or even online forums dedicated to expats and internationals can provide you with a safe space to share your journey. Therapy in Barcelona, for instance, offers services that cater to the specific mental health needs of internationals, focusing on themes like cultural adjustment, loneliness, and personal identity. These resources can help you process your emotions without falling into the comparison trap.

Research on Immigration and Well-being

The process of immigration is inherently stressful, and studies show that it can affect well-being in profound ways. A 2015 study published in the Journal of Immigrant and Minority Health found that immigrants often experience higher levels of psychological distress than their non-immigrant counterparts, especially in the initial stages of relocation. This distress is linked to factors such as language barriers, social isolation, and economic pressures.

Furthermore, the research highlighted how immigrants with strong social ties (both to their home country and within their new country) tend to adjust better and report higher levels of life satisfaction. This supports the idea that the quality of relationships matters more than the quantity. So, if you’re comparing yourself to someone who seems to have an endless list of friends, remember that deep, meaningful connections – even with just one or two people – can have a more positive impact on your well-being. Consider how to expand your community by volunteering, online communities or otherwise.

Conclusion: You’re on Your Own Journey

Your experience living abroad is yours alone. There is no “right” way to do it. While it’s normal to compare, it’s essential to remember that these comparisons don’t define your worth or success. Each person’s journey is shaped by their unique circumstances, and there’s no single path to happiness or fulfilment abroad. Instead of focusing on how your life measures up to others, concentrate on your growth, your resilience, and the personal victories that make your journey one of a kind.

If you find that comparison is leading to distress or negatively affecting your mental health, seeking support from a therapist can be a crucial step in gaining perspective and managing the emotional ups and downs of international life. Therapy in Barcelona is here to help you navigate these challenges, offering a safe and understanding environment to process your experiences abroad.

The key takeaway? Your international journey doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s – and that’s okay.

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