As humans, we crave certainty. We want to believe that we’ll eventually “arrive” at a state where things are clear and predictable. Will I fit in, or will I remain an outsider? Is this my home, or is it somewhere else? Am I fluent, or am I still learning? Our (Western) minds desire closure—the comfort of knowing that there’s a finish line where we will feel adjusted, settled, and at peace.

But life, especially as an international, is far messier than that. Living abroad is not a “this or that” experience. It’s a life full of “ands.”

The international life is a constant balancing act. You can feel at home in a foreign country and miss your place of origin. You can be learning a language and yet never reach fluency. You can feel at Home abroad and not fit in because you are always a foreigner. You can embrace your new culture and still hold on to aspects of your native identity. As internationals, we must break away from binary thinking—it’s not about fitting in or being foreign. Leigh Matthews, Founder of Therapy in Barcelona explores the art of holding these opposing truths simultaneously and finding comfort in the ambiguity.

Dialectical Thinking: The DBT Approach to Life’s Paradoxes

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan, offers a helpful framework for understanding this ambiguity. A key concept in DBT is the dialectic—the idea that two seemingly opposing truths can coexist. This concept encourages us to accept that we can feel two contradictory emotions at once and learn to live with that tension instead of being torn apart by it.

As internationals, we often face these dialectical challenges. Can I feel settled and homesick? Can I have no regrets about my choices and still wonder how my life would’ve turned out if I had stayed? DBT invites us to embrace complexity and let go of “all-or-nothing” thinking. It’s not about arriving at a final state of complete fluency, full cultural integration, or total emotional recovery. Instead, it’s about learning to live with the paradox and messiness of being in between.

The Myth of Mastery: A Spectrum of Comfort

Many of us move abroad with a goal in mind: to fully fit in, to master the language, to adjust to the culture. But if you’ve lived in a foreign country for long enough, you’ll come to realize that the idea of “mastery” is an illusion.

There’s no ultimate point where you’ve achieved perfection in language, cultural integration, or even in your own feelings of home. Instead, life happens on a spectrum. You can become more comfortable in the language and still have moments where you feel like a beginner. You can feel at home in Barcelona and have days where you long for your country of origin. Mastery is not the goal; fluidity and acceptance are.

International life dismantles the notion of “arriving” at a final destination, especially in terms of language. Some days, your words will flow effortlessly. Other days, you’ll stumble. One moment, you may feel like a local; the next, you might feel completely foreign. This isn’t failure—it’s part of living in the “and.” You can feel proficient and still be learning. Language learning, cultural adaptation, and personal identity are always in motion.

What is Home? It’s Complicated

“Home” is one of the most complex and fluid concepts for an international. We all ask ourselves at some point, “Where is home?” But the truth is, there’s no singular, clear answer. For some, home is where they grew up. For others, it’s the place they’ve chosen to build their lives. But for many internationals, it’s both and neither.

Naomi Hattaway, in her essay I Am a Triangle, introduces a beautiful metaphor for this. She describes how individuals moving from “Circle Country” (their place of origin) to “Square Society” (their new home) often go through a transformation. Over time, they stop being fully a circle and never quite become a square. Instead, they turn into a triangle—a blend of both cultures, but not completely belonging to either(i-am-a-triangle).

As a triangle, you no longer fit into the culture you came from, and you’ll never completely blend into the culture you’ve moved to. You become a mix of both worlds, embodying the unique and often contradictory experiences of life abroad. This shape-shifting is uncomfortable for those who seek clarity, but it allows for the fluidity necessary to thrive in an international life. Home, in this sense, is not a fixed point. It’s a moving target, shaped by the places, people, and experiences you encounter along the way.

Grief is Not Linear

When we talk about adjusting to a new life abroad, we often overlook a key part of the process: grief. We like to think of grief as something that we move through and eventually get over. But grief, like life abroad, doesn’t follow neat trajectories. It ebbs and flows, coming back in waves when we least expect it.

As internationals, we grieve for the lives we’ve left behind, for the ease and comfort of familiarity, for the relationships that have grown distant due to physical separation. And yet, even as we grieve, we can find joy in our new experiences. This is where DBT’s dialectical thinking helps us again: we can love our new homes and mourn what we’ve left behind. Grief isn’t something we “get over.” It’s something we learn to live with, to carry alongside our new life abroad.

Settled and Homesick, Brave Not Safe

As internationals, we’re often in a state of paradox. We feel settled and homesick, comfortable and uncertain, at home and foreign. We love the multicultural, multilingual richness of our lives abroad and long for the simplicity of belonging fully in one place. But rather than trying to resolve these contradictions, we can choose to embrace them.

It’s not about being safe or unsafe—it’s about being brave. Every day we wake up in a foreign country, navigate a different culture, or communicate in a new language, we’re exercising courage. Yes, it’s uncomfortable at times. But discomfort is a sign of growth, not failure. We live in a world of layers, and that complexity is what makes our international lives so rewarding.

Tolerance for Ambiguity: Lessons from Other Cultures

The need for certainty and clear-cut answers is often a hallmark of Western thought. In many other cultures, there’s a greater tolerance for ambiguity. Eastern philosophies, such as Taoism, often emphasize the balance of opposites. The concept of yin and yang teaches that life is not about choosing between light or dark, good or bad, but about understanding that these opposites are inseparable and must coexist.

Similarly, indigenous philosophies tend to embrace life’s cyclical nature, acknowledging that change and uncertainty are constants. These perspectives can be incredibly valuable for internationals, reminding us that it’s okay to live in the in-between spaces. We don’t need to force our experiences into neat boxes or reach a final state of integration. Instead, we can accept the ongoing process of growth and change as part of the beauty of life abroad.

Life is Inherently Messy—and That’s a Good Thing

No one’s life escapes the “and.” Even if you had stayed in your country of origin, life would still be full of contradictions, uncertainties, and unexpected challenges. As internationals, we may feel this more acutely because we’re constantly navigating between cultures, languages, and identities. But this messiness is not something to be avoided—it’s something to be celebrated.

There’s a certain beauty in the unpredictability of life abroad. It forces us to be flexible, to adapt, to grow. It offers us a unique path, one that doesn’t fit into the traditional moulds of “success” or “belonging.” We can be fluent one day and stumble over words the next. We can feel at home in one moment and like an outsider in the next. This is something to embrace, not resist.

Your Experience of AND

So, what’s your experience of life as an international? Do you feel like you’ve “arrived,” or are you living in the “and”? Can you hold the duality of feeling both at home and out of place, of being proficient in the language yet still learning, of loving your new life while missing the familiarity of the old one?

At Therapy in Barcelona, we understand that the international experience is one of constant negotiation between identities, cultures, and emotions. Life abroad is a journey full of “ands,” and that’s something worth honouring. You don’t have to have it all figured out—none of us do. We’re here to help you navigate the complexities of your unique journey, wherever it may take you. Get in touch today.

Other articles you may like:

Go Home Tourists. Xenophobia and Anti-Foreigner Sentiment in Barcelona: A Complex Challenge

Self-talk, Self-compassion, and Success in Language Learning

Navigating Change as an Expat in Barcelona: Strategies for Adaptation and Growth

Understanding Unowneds: Empowering Expats to Thrive in a Foreign Culture