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Love in the Time of Covid

Love in the Time of Covid

Thank you to Clinical Sexologist Avril for this new blog post on all things pleasure in the coronavirus crisis. Get your corona-pleasure on. Read more about Avril here

THE IMPORTANCE OF S P A C E WHEN MAINTAINING A HEALTHY SEX LIFE WITH YOUR PARTNER DURING QUARANTINE
Depending on the size of your space, I can not express enough how important personal space  is during this time. During these days we are told to constantly wash our hands, practice social distancing, told not to touch our faces, etc…let’s remember to not lose sight of the importance in touching ourselves and our lovers. These times can be isolating and without remembering the value of intimacy and touch, erotic or not, we begin to feel lonely.
There are so many coronavirus quarantine posts lately covering how keeping a schedule while being cooped up at home is beneficial to your mental health and productivity. Set an alarm, take a shower, get dressed for your work day and then settle onto your sofa to start the day while remembering to take those essential coffee and lunch breaks. So, why not schedule sex into your day? I totally understand it is not the sexiest thing, and it doesn’t even have the sexiest name. It’s what sexologists refer to as “maintenance sex”. But hear me out…scheduling sex doesn’t need to be something that seems like a TASK, rather taking the time to do something that pleases you and your lover. Events and concerts are cancelled. Bars are closed.

It seems like everything is cancelled these days, but pleasure is not cancelled.

For those at home with children, I would suggest scheduling in some maintenance sex into the nap times, fitting in a quickie during the tenth movie marathon of Frozen 2, or even making bed time a bit earlier on some nights. Kids are important! but remember to get your loving time in too.

THE IMPORTANCE OF EROTIC A L O N E TIME
Erotic alone time is important not just in these days but is something I always recommend to my clients. Erotic alone time does not always have to mean taking the time to masturbate, but doing something that makes you feel sexy. I don’t mean the socially constructed idea of sexy, but whatever sexy means to you. This can be running a warm bath, lighting some candles, rubbing lotion on you in slow sultry strokes, trying on that sexy black dress with the low back and strut around your apartment in heels (or that oversized hoody your old hookup left behind). It can mean taking the day to finally analyse your vulva in a mirror. (Most women haven’t!). Taking this time to really love yourself and get out of those damn pyjamas is definitely essential in your everyday life during lockdown.

DESIRE IN QUARANTINE
Most of the time, to desire a partner requires distance, and in these days of quarantine we have anything but distance. When we think of love and we think of desire, they seem as if they should go hand-in-hand, but oftentimes are not. When we love someone, we want them. We crave that closeness and to have that person next to us. But now we are experiencing a unique time when our lover is stuck in the same closed quarters as us. We may love each other, but is it normal to feel less desirable to them? Are you feeling less desire for them? This lack of distance definitely changes up things a bit.

Issues of desire is probably the most common issue long term relationship (LTR) couples deal with. This can mean we are personally having a moment of lacking in desire, perhaps even experiencing a moment of unmatched desire with your partner. You might be the horniest you’ve ever been stuck inside and ready to bust out the whips and chains, while your partner is so in their head with the anxieties of what is going on outside in the world right now. In these cases, positive sexual communication is key here. Tell your partner how you feel as respect that you might both not be on the same level as far as sexual desire goes. I encourage people to use “I statements” in these cases, telling your partner “With everything going on right now, I am just not feeling very horny lately”. On the other hand, if you are the one experiencing the rejection from your partner you can lead with, “I feel extremely unattractive or undesirable when my advances are dismissed”. Be sure to listen to your partner and be there for them. Sexual communication can be hard but is essential. Being in a relationship is work, and you can discuss steps you both can take to work together on your issues of desire. It is possible to reignite that light!

ONE MORE THOUGHT
I would love couples to know that they should never lose sight of what makes them feel sexy. To be kind to one another during these days of quarantine. Remember to dance, remember to play, remember to love, remember to kiss, remember to do things for each other, remember to do the things that please you.

Avril offers online sex therapy and private workshops for couples and individuals. Her sessions are all about feeling that connection with your own body, emotions, and gaining the confidence to live a fulfilling sex life.  Read more about Avril 

If you’d like to organise a session for you or you and your partner with Avril, contact Therapy in Barcelona.

By Avril | Clinical Sexologist for Individuals, Couples, or Groups

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