One of the main challenges internationals face when living abroad is learning the local language/s. The process can be both rewarding and incredibly daunting. Research shows that about 60% of international residents struggle with language learning when living abroad, and as many as 40% regret not having put more effort into learning the language earlier in their journey. This struggle can lead to feelings of frustration, isolation, and even anxiety as internationals navigate daily life in a foreign language.

In this guest post, Louisa Burford—author of Heartful Spanish and an expert in intuitive language learning—shares her insights on how self-talk and self-compassion are key to overcoming these hurdles. She highlights how many of us hold ourselves back with perfectionism or internal criticism, making language learning harder than it needs to be.

Louisa’s gentle, encouraging approach can help us rethink the stories we tell ourselves, making our language journey not just easier, but more enjoyable. 

The Stories We Tell Ourselves About Language Learning

“My Spanish should be better by now.”
“I can’t understand native speakers. It all goes over my head.”
“I’m embarrassed about my accent.”
“I don’t have time to improve my Spanish.”
“How can I learn Catalan when my Spanish isn’t even that good?”

Ever caught yourself thinking any of these thoughts? These are just some of the common “stories” we internationals often tell ourselves in regard to our language skills. We can be our own worst enemies when it comes to judging how we’re doing. (And I’m as guilty as the next person—I sometimes have thoughts similar to the ones above despite being a language lover, professional translator, and qualified Spanish teacher. It’s called being human. More on this later.)

Why Self-Talk Matters in Your Language Learning Journey

But the words we say to ourselves really matter. If your habitual thoughts about your language abilities sound something like this, it’s time to draw a line in the sand and start being kinder to yourself on your journey to fluency, my dear. It will be so much easier that way, and you’ll get there a lot quicker too.

We Are All Natural Language Learners

For many of the people I come across in my life and in my work, the stories that “language learning is hard, and I’m no good at it” and/or “I don’t have time to improve my language skills” are on high rotation. But I’m here to tell you that these stories are simply not true. We are all natural language learners; we can soak up our second (or third, etc.) language effortlessly just as we learnt our native language as babies—with openness, curiosity, and heaps of human connection (and fun!)

As babies, we didn’t tell ourselves speaking was hard or we were no good at it; we just listened to other people do it, copied what we heard, and eventually we were able to form full, flowing sentences. With today’s fabulous technology, we can emulate this process for our language learning by listening to native speakers in podcasts, films, TV, radio, YouTube, etc. and copying what we hear, always led by our own curiosity to learn how different words or groups of words are put together in sentences. It has never been easier to learn a language by immersion, even for people who don’t have the obvious immersion advantage that we internationals have.

Perfection is a Ridiculous Goal: Let It Go

If that last sentence about the “obvious immersion advantage” made you feel bad, it’s probably because you’re telling yourself the age-old story we all fall into at some point living abroad: “I’ve been here forever, so why is my Spanish still not perfect?” And the answer is, of course, “because perfection is a ridiculous goal”. So let’s scrap that one off our playlist, right here and now.

And let’s hereby pinky-promise to stop being so hard on ourselves and start noticing all the things that are going well in our language learning, instead of focusing on the mistakes, the discomfort, and difficulties.
Below, I’ll lead you through a number of exercises to help you find more self-compassion with regards to your language learning and to develop more positive self-talk so you can stop holding yourself back and reach your fullest potential in your language learning.

Exercises to Help You Find More Self-compassion in Your Language Learning

First, we’ll take stock of our current language-learning situation and the self-talk that has led us here. Then we’ll introduce some self-compassion into the mix. After that, we’ll set some intentions for a reset, to get our language learning back to feeling effortless, fun, and easy, which is our natural state and our birth right. And finally we’ll create a realistic and doable plan—one we’re much more likely to stick to because it’s tailored to our own specific situation and needs.

Take Stock of Your Current Language Learning Situation

Get out a notebook or a journal and write down your answers to these questions:

1) How are you feeling about your language practice right now?
What words spring to mind when you think about your current language abilities or your recent progress? How is your self-talk? What sensations do you experience in your body when you think about your present situation regarding your language abilities?
Jot down anything that comes up. There’s no right or wrong here; it’s all useful info.
2) How did you get here?
What’s been going on? Did you start with good intentions and habits and then fall off the wagon? Or did you never really get into the swing of things with your language learning?
Everyone’s situation will be a little different, so answering these questions specific to your own unique experience will help you to identify what’s led to the feelings you’ve been having.
3) How is your self-talk?
What are the words that describe your predominating thoughts and feelings about your language journey so far? What are some things you typically say to yourself in certain situations in regard to your language skills or habits?

For clarity, it might you help to think about the four main areas in your language skills. 

How is your spoken Spanish? (You can substitute Catalan or any other target language here as appropriate.) 

How are your listening skills? 

What about your reading and your writing? 

Are you practising all of these four areas regularly? 

Is there an area (or two) that you feel might need more focus?

Practicing Self-Compassion in Language Learning

You can’t shame yourself to success. Think back to your school days. 

No doubt your favourite teachers were cheerleaders; they believed in you and your abilities, they showed patience, and they gave you gentle encouragement when you were struggling. 

Be your own cheerleader on your self-led journey to fluency. You’ll make it a whole lot easier for yourself if you get out of your own way.

Notice where you’ve been being hard on yourself or how you’ve been struggling to learn your target language. How does it feel in your body? Where can you feel it? Can you put a gentle loving hand on that area and breathe some self-compassion into it?

Psychologist Dr Kristen Neff recommends that we practice self-compassion whenever we’re feeling inadequate or being hard on ourselves. She suggests we come up with a few caring phrases to say to ourselves to alleviate the discomfort of the difficult emotions, remembering that it’s part of the human experience to feel like this at times and it connects us with the whole of humanity. 

What Words Would Feel Soothing to You to Lighten the Feelings You’ve Identified?

Here are some words of self-compassion you can try: “It’s OK, my love. Everyone makes mistakes and goes through tough patches every now and again. It’s no big deal. You’ve been doing your best with the knowledge, resources and situations you’ve had so far. It’s time to let go of the struggle and open up to the possibility of finding an easier way.” (Feel free to tweak these words as necessary.)

Now, put a hand on your heart and remind yourself that you’re doing OK, everything is unfolding perfectly, and you’re exactly where you need to be. Does that feel a little better?

Set Intentions for a Language Learning Reset

Intention is a powerful thing. By harnessing the power of intention for our language learning, we can align our thoughts, emotions, and actions towards achieving our goals. This will help us stay focused and motivated and lead us to opportunities and resources that will support our progress. Setting clear and positive intentions will enable us to create a new, lighter, more feel-good journey to fluency, full of joy, fun, and connection.
So, set the intention, right now, to have fun in your language practice (or even joy, if you’re up for it). The difference will be like night and day—a “before and after” on your journey to fluency. 

Your version of fun (or joy) will be unique to you, so make a list of all the things you love to do in your spare time, and brainstorm ways you can connect them to your language learning.

Get creative in your solutions. This is a brainstorming exercise, so no idea is too wacky at this stage. As an international, there are heaps of ways you can engage in fun activities while making new friends. You’ll be happier and more relaxed, and you’ll soak up the lingo effortlessly (which is how we’re meant to learn languages after all).

Remember your “why”. What are your main reasons for wanting to improve your language skills? Do you want to feel accomplished and confident? Make new friends? Have new career or business opportunities? Tie your own specific reasons into your intentions for added effect.

Turning Intentions Into Positive Self-Talk

Now it’s time to create some affirmations from your intentions.

Affirmations are positive statements that help you to stay focused on your goals. They often begin with “I am”, and they describe the outcomes and feelings you want to experience more of in your life.
Here are some examples of affirmations you could try, to help shift your approach to a more positive one:

• I am open to improving my Spanish by soaking it up like a baby learns.
• From now on, I am trying a different approach to language learning, one that feels fun and light.
• I am remembering my innate ability to learn languages, by engaging my curiosity and observing with interest how words are put together.
• I am excited to communicate and connect with people in my target language.
• I am making it more of a priority to practise my Catalan in ways that feel enjoyable and effortless to me. 

Focus on Progress, Not Perfection

It’s important that your affirmations resonate with you, so make them feel “doable”, adding some “halfway” statements that focus on progress not perfection.

• I am noticing the progress I am making with my spoken Spanish, in big and little ways.
• Language learning is beginning to feel a little easier for me.
• I am starting to pay attention to all the ways that Catalan is similar and different to Spanish, and this is helping me to differentiate the two in my mind.
• I notice myself feeling more relaxed and understanding more when I am listening to native speakers now.
• I am focusing less on perfection and more on communication and fun.

When will you practise your affirmations? Out loud in front of the bathroom mirror when you clean your teeth? Quietly in your journal in the morning or in the evening? Or in your mind as you exercise or drink water?

Can you set up your environment to make it easier for you to remember to practise? A notebook by your bedside, perhaps, or a post-it note on your bathroom mirror or next to your exercise bike or running shoes?

Write your affirmations in a journal or notebook. According to neuroscientist Dr Tara Swart, physically writing out our affirmations by hand engages the brain in a different way than if we just think them to ourselves or type them out. Writing our affirmations down creates new neural pathways and helps to cement them into our subconscious, making it more likely our intentions will come to fruition.

Creating a Realistic and Doable Language Learning Plan

Keep it fun, joyful, manageable and realistic. Answer these five questions to create your plan:

1. What are you going to do?
2. When are you going to do it?
3. What will help you remember to stick to your plan?
4. What will you do when you fall off the wagon?
5. Can you get some accountability or join a community of fellow language learners?

Go, go, go, my friend! You can do it!

You must believe in yourself and your ability to reach fluency. As Henry Ford famously said, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.” It’s perfectly possible for you to be able to communicate fluently and joyfully in your target language without masses of effort or struggle. I know it with all my heart. Do you?

Promise me from now on you’ll choose self-compassion in your language learning. The world needs you to reach your potential, so you can express yourself fully and live the joy-filled life you’re meant to lead. The process is simple. Start talking to yourself kindly, set the intention to choose ease in your language learning, create a simple plan for practising immersion in fun ways, and watch your fluency skyrocket. You’ve got this!

At Therapy in Barcelona, we understand how challenges like language barriers can impact your mental well-being. Whether it’s the anxiety of living abroad, the isolation from not being able to communicate effectively, or the perfectionism that stalls progress, we can help guide you through these difficulties, offering support as you work toward a more balanced and fulfilling life abroad.

About the Author

Louisa Burford is a psychology translator and writer of self-led language resources. Author of the book Heartful Spanish: Your Joyful Path to Fluency and host of The Heartful Spanish Podcast, Louisa has a unique, intuitive approach that helps you wake up your innate abilities to learn languages and create the right mindset and circumstances to enjoy your journey to fluency. On her YouTube channel, Heartful Fluency, she shares quick tips for boosting your fluency in any language. Check out the Heartful Spanish website for more info on Louisa’s group sessions and one-to-one support, or reach out via email at louisa@heartfulspanish.com.  She also has some great freebies on her site!