Moving abroad can feel like embarking on an adventure straight out of a children’s storybook, full of surprises, new horizons, and unfamiliar terrains. For internationals—whether expats, digital nomads, or long-term travellers—the experience of adapting to life in a new country can be exhilarating, daunting, and everything in between. But one particular challenge often weighs heavy on the minds of internationals: should I stay or should I go?

This question might seem simple, but it rarely is. It often feels like you’re being pulled in two directions, much like the famous Pushmi-Pullyu from Dr. Seuss’s world, which is a creature with two heads pointing in opposite directions. This peculiar animal struggles to move forward because both heads want to pull in opposite directions—one forward, one back, creating an indecisive stalemate. For many internationals, the push-pull dynamics of staying in or leaving their adopted home mirrors this very dilemma. The indecision is real, and it can be paralysing.

Take a deep dive with Therapy in Barcelona Director and Founder, Australian Registered Psychologist Leigh Matthews, into the psychology behind this “Pushmi-Pullyu Dilemma” for internationals, exploring the internal and external forces at play and how to overcome this state of indecision.

The Pushmi-Pullyu of Expat Life: The Push Factors

Much like the Pushmi-Pullyu, every international feels the pull of home versus the push of their current life. Let’s first explore the push factors—those forces within the host country that make one feel like moving back home or heading off to another place.

1. Loneliness and Isolation

Loneliness is often the biggest push factor. Moving to a new country, away from familiar faces, communities, and cultures, can be isolating. Friendships may take time to form, and even when they do, they might not offer the same level of emotional connection as back home. There’s a gnawing sense of alienation in day-to-day interactions, from not understanding cultural references to struggling with a new language.

The feeling of not belonging pushes many internationals to question their decision. Is it worth staying in a place where one feels disconnected and unseen?

2. Cultural Misalignment

Sometimes, the cultural differences are too much to bear. What might have seemed novel and exciting at first—different social norms, customs, or ways of doing things—can turn into sources of frustration. The Pushmi-Pullyu, with one head firmly entrenched in its home culture, often struggles against the new culture in which it finds itself.

For internationals, this push can manifest in subtle ways. Everyday interactions may feel strained, and what was once endearing can become an irritant. The inefficiency of bureaucratic systems, different communication styles, language barriers, or the expectations around work-life balance can lead to frustrations. When these cultural differences start to impact mental health, the question of whether to stay becomes even more pressing.

3. Career or Financial Challenges

Another force pushing internationals to consider leaving is the struggle with career opportunities or financial stability. The job market may be difficult to navigate, especially for those without fluency in the local language or the right network. Freelancers and digital nomads may find the economic landscape less conducive than anticipated, leading to financial strain.

For many, this uncertainty feels like a constant nudge from the Pushmi-Pullyu’s “go” head, prodding them to search for better opportunities elsewhere or to return to a more familiar environment where career growth feels within reach.

4. Personal Growth or Lack Thereof

Some internationals move abroad with the expectation of growth—both personal and professional. When this doesn’t materialize, there’s often a sense of disappointment. The experience may feel stagnant, with no real sense of moving forward. This lack of growth can push individuals to question the purpose of staying in a foreign country if the goals they set out to achieve are not being met.

The Pushmi-Pullyu of Expat Life: The Pull Factors

On the other side of this dilemma, we have the pull factors. These are the reasons that internationals feel compelled to stay where they are, despite the challenges.

1. The Love of Adventure

One head of the Pushmi-Pullyu gazes longingly at the horizon, craving adventure and the excitement of the unknown. For many internationals, this is what keeps them rooted in their new home—the sense that they’re living an extraordinary life, one full of new experiences, stories, and growth. The fear of returning to the predictable, mundane life they left behind can be paralysing. Staying feels like choosing adventure over familiarity, and that’s a pull many find hard to resist.

2. Community and Relationships

While loneliness can push people to leave, the deep relationships formed abroad can pull them to stay. Over time, internationals build a support system in their host country, and these relationships can become as meaningful as those they left behind. These new friendships, local ties, and even romantic partnerships can act as anchors, making it harder to contemplate moving away. The relationships you build abroad are often with people who share a similar expat experience, creating a unique bond that pulls you in and makes leaving more difficult.

3. Personal Growth and Fulfilment

Many internationals find a level of personal growth and fulfilment they wouldn’t have achieved had they stayed in their home country. Living abroad forces people out of their comfort zones, exposing them to new perspectives, challenges, and opportunities. For many, this experience is deeply transformative. The other head of the Pushmi-Pullyu recognizes the power of staying put and seeing this journey through, knowing that it offers more growth than the alternative.

The allure of becoming the kind of person who can adapt, thrive, and evolve in a foreign land is a strong pull to stay.

4. The Opportunity to Reinvent Oneself

Living in a foreign country offers internationals the chance to reinvent themselves. Away from the expectations and judgments of home, there’s a freedom to explore new identities, careers, and passions. This reinvention can be incredibly appealing and can act as a magnet, pulling people to remain in a place where they feel like they can fully express who they want to be.

Returning home or moving elsewhere might feel like a step back from this newfound self, creating an internal tug of war.

The Indecision Loop

Caught between the push and the pull, internationals often find themselves in a cycle of indecision. Like the Pushmi-Pullyu, they try to move in two directions simultaneously but end up going nowhere. They can’t fully commit to staying or leaving, and this creates a feedback loop of anxiety, doubt, and frustration.

This state of indecision can manifest in various ways:

• Procrastination: Decisions about whether to stay or go are delayed, sometimes for months or even years, while life seems to drift in a state of limbo.
• Mental Exhaustion: The constant back-and-forth, weighing the pros and cons, and the pressure of making the “right” decision can lead to mental fatigue.
• Emotional Rollercoaster: One day, the international may feel resolved to stay, only to question that decision the next. This emotional instability can be draining.

Just like the Pushmi-Pullyu, who can’t move forward or backward without deciding which head should lead, internationals must eventually make a decision to break free from this loop.

How to Break Free: Embracing the Pushmi-Pullyu Within

The Pushmi-Pullyu dilemma doesn’t have to be a paralysing force. In fact, it can be the key to making more thoughtful, intentional decisions. Here are a few strategies to embrace and work with the Pushmi-Pullyu mindset, rather than being trapped by it:

1. Recognize and Accept the Dilemma

The first step is acknowledging the internal conflict. Understand that it’s natural to feel torn between staying and going. The Pushmi-Pullyu is not a monster to be vanquished, but rather a reflection of the duality inherent in the expat experience. Recognizing this can bring a sense of peace, reducing the pressure to make an immediate decision.

2. Clarify Values and Priorities

To make the Pushmi-Pullyu move in one direction, it’s important to clarify which path aligns most with personal values and priorities. Ask yourself: What truly matters to me? Adventure? Stability? Career growth? Relationships? When these values are clear, the decision becomes less about external pressures and more about living authentically.

3. Break the Decision Down

Instead of framing the dilemma as a binary “stay or go,” break it down into smaller, more manageable questions. Can you stay for another year and reassess? Can you explore new locations without committing to a full move? Often, by taking smaller steps, the decision feels less overwhelming, and you can test the waters without jumping in entirely.

4. Talk to Neutral, Supportive People

It’s crucial to find people who can offer a safe, non-judgmental space to process your thoughts. Friends and family back home may have their own biases, but fellow internationals or life coaches with no personal stake in your decision can provide valuable perspective.

5. Give Yourself Permission to Change

Finally, recognize that decisions are not set in stone. The Pushmi-Pullyu might head in one direction today and another tomorrow—and that’s okay. You can decide to stay for now and leave later, or leave now and come back. The key is to give yourself the flexibility and permission to change as your circumstances and desires evolve

If you’re feeling stuck in the “should I stay or go” dilemma and the Pushmi-Pullyu of expat life is pulling you in opposite directions, you’re not alone. At Therapy in Barcelona, we specialise in helping internationals navigate the complexities of living abroad. Our team of empathetic, culturally sensitive therapists understands the unique challenges of expat life, including the emotional rollercoaster of decision-making.

Whether you’re struggling with indecision, cultural adjustment, or personal growth, we’re here to support you. Reach out to Therapy in Barcelona to find clarity, build resilience, and embrace your expat journey with confidence. Take the first step towards a more fulfilling life abroad—contact us today for a free consultation. Let’s explore together what’s best for you, whether you stay or go!

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The Hidden Challenges of Expats in Spain: Why Many Don’t Last (and How to Thrive Living Abroad)