Why Fixing Relationship Problems Starts with Understanding What Went Wrong

Fixing relationship problems begins with recognising that you’ve caused harm—and that acknowledgement alone isn’t enough. Whether you’ve said something hurtful, broken trust, or let distance grow between you and your partner, the path to repair requires both honesty and action. For many internationals living in Barcelona, Valencia, or elsewhere in Spain, the weight of regret can feel even heavier when you’re far from home, dealing with cultural differences, and feeling isolated in a relationship that’s struggling.

Here’s what actually helps when you’re trying to fix a relationship you’ve damaged:

• Take full responsibility without excuses or deflection
• Offer a genuine apology that names what you did and its impact
• Listen actively to your partner’s hurt without rushing to solutions
• Identify underlying needs like security, appreciation, or connection
• Rebuild trust through consistent, honest actions over time
• Seek professional support if patterns repeat or emotions feel unmanageable

Research into couples therapy shows promising outcomes; some approaches find that over 70% of couples move from distress to recovery. This stands in contrast to general statistics from countries like the US, where around 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce. The difference isn’t whether problems arise—it’s how you address them. This guide gives you practical, evidence-based steps to repair what’s broken. We’ll also look at how to know if a relationship is worth saving, and when it might be healthier to let go.

If you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure where to start, you’re not alone. Many expats in cities like Málaga, Alicante, and Madrid face the added challenge of processing relationship struggles while adjusting to life abroad. Some seek support through Spain’s public health system, though waiting lists can be long and English-speaking therapists are often rare. Others turn to large online platforms, which may lack cultural nuance and have questionable privacy policies. At Therapy in Barcelona, we offer a different approach: bespoke therapist matching for internationals, strict client privacy with no data selling, and support from multilingual, psychology-trained therapists both in person in Barcelona and online across Spain and worldwide.

The Foundation: Taking Full Responsibility for Your Actions

Regret can feel heavy, but it is not the same as responsibility. True fixing relationship problems starts with taking full ownership of your actions. This means understanding the impact you’ve had, offering a genuine apology, and reflecting deeply on what led to the situation. Blame only deepens the divide. When you own your part, you create a pathway for personal growth and open the door for repair.

Often, arguments in long-term relationships are not just about the present moment. They carry echoes of earlier difficult experiences, fears, and unmet needs. These can influence how we communicate and how we perceive our partner’s actions. Overlooking these influences can lead us to project unresolved issues onto our partner, seeing reflections of our past rather than our current partner. Acknowledging this complex interplay is vital for genuine repair.

For internationals in places like Zaragoza or Gran Canaria, handling these personal histories can be even more complex when cultural differences in communication and conflict resolution are also at play.

The Anatomy of a Sincere Apology

A sincere apology is not about making excuses or softening the blow. It is a powerful tool for repair, but only when delivered authentically. As experts like Harriet Lerner and Brené Brown discuss, a truly effective apology involves several key components:

• No “buts.” Avoid phrases like “I’m sorry, but you also…” This immediately negates your apology and shifts blame.
• Acknowledge what you did. Clearly state the specific action or words you regret. “I’m sorry I raised my voice” is more effective than “I’m sorry things got heated.”
• Express real remorse. Convey genuine regret for your actions. Your tone and body language should match your words.
• Name the impact on your partner. Show that you understand how your actions affected them. “I know my words made you feel unheard and hurt” demonstrates empathy.
• Commit to change. Explain what you will do differently in the future. This shows you’ve learned from your mistake and are dedicated to preventing its recurrence.

You can learn more about the power of apology in the insightful podcast episode, How to Apologise and Why It Matters by Harriet Lerner / Brené Brown.

Why “I’m Sorry You Feel That Way” Doesn’t Work

This phrase, often used with good intentions, can inadvertently make things worse. When you say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” you are not apologising for your actions. Instead, you are apologising for their emotional response, which implies their feelings are the problem, not your behaviour. This shifts blame and shuts down real communication, leading to emotional invalidation. Your partner ends up feeling dismissed, unheard, and misunderstood, which only deepens disconnection and resentment.

The goal of an apology is to acknowledge your part, validate your partner’s experience, and begin the process of healing. A phrase like “I’m sorry you feel that way” does the opposite, making genuine fixing relationship problems much harder. It’s crucial to remember that validating emotions does not mean you agree on the facts, but rather that you acknowledge your partner’s right to feel what they feel.

The “Don’ts”: Common Mistakes That Prevent Healing

When you’re trying to repair a relationship, certain actions, even if well-intentioned, can hinder progress. These common mistakes often block healthy communication and prevent true healing:

• Rushing to “fix” things. Our instinct might be to immediately solve the problem. However, as relationship experts often point out, when partners rush to “fix” an issue, it can make the other person feel invalidated or unheard. They might just need to express their feelings without an immediate solution.
• Jumping to solutions instead of listening. This is closely related to the point above. Instead of truly hearing your partner’s experience, you might interrupt with suggestions. This signals that you’re not fully present or empathetic to their pain.
• Making excuses or minimising your partner’s feelings. This is a form of emotional invalidation. Statements like “It wasn’t that big a deal” or “You’re overreacting” dismiss their reality and can be deeply hurtful.
• Repeating old patterns. If you continuously fall into the same negative communication cycles—criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or stonewalling—you won’t make progress. This indicates a lack of learning from past mistakes and a failure to address underlying issues.
• Pressuring for forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process that cannot be forced. Demanding it before your partner is ready can feel manipulative and further erode trust.
• Ignoring the root cause. Many arguments about surface issues (like who does the dishes) are proxies for deeper, unmet needs (like feeling valued or respected). If you only address the surface, the problem will resurface.

These mistakes are common, especially for expats in cities like Valencia or Sevilla, where cultural communication styles may differ, leading to misunderstandings and heightened emotional responses. Recognising and avoiding these pitfalls is a big step towards fixing relationship problems effectively.

The “Do’s”: A Practical Guide to Fixing Relationship Problems

Once you’ve acknowledged your role and committed to avoiding common pitfalls, you can start actively working towards repair. Evidence-based approaches like the Gottman Method or Imago Relationship Therapy can provide structured frameworks for this, but the basics matter most: consistent repair attempts, building trust, and creating a stronger foundation.

The Key Steps for Fixing Relationship Problems

Most relationship problems are not relationship-enders. In fact, when addressed with the right approach, they can strengthen a relationship and foster deeper connection. Here are the key steps in the relationship repair process:

1. Create a safe space. Choose the right timing for important discussions – when you are both rested and free from distractions. Establish ground rules together, such as no interrupting, no name-calling, and agreeing to take breaks if emotions run too high. Practise emotional regulation before discussions, perhaps with deep breaths.
2. Practise active and reflective listening. This means truly receiving your partner’s experience. Listen to understand, not to respond. Reflect back what you hear them saying (“So, what I’m hearing is that you felt ignored when I didn’t respond to your message right away?”). Stay curious, ask open-ended questions, and avoid defensiveness. This is about making your partner feel heard.
3. Validate your partner’s emotions. You don’t have to agree with their perspective to acknowledge their feelings. Say things like, “I can understand why you would feel that way,” or “It makes sense that you’re upset.” This fosters a sense of acceptance and understanding.
4. Identify underlying needs. Most arguments aren’t about the surface issue but about deeper needs like security, appreciation, connection, or respect. For instance, a fight about finances might stem from a need for security, while an argument about chores could be about a need for appreciation or fairness. Asking “What do you need right now?” or “What is this really about for you?” can uncover these deeper issues.
5. Brainstorm solutions together. After both partners feel heard and understood, shift to problem-solving as a team. Brainstorm ideas without judgment, aiming for win-win outcomes that address both partners’ core needs.
6. Compromise. Be willing to meet your partner halfway. Relationship repair is not about one person winning, but about finding common ground that respects both individuals. Make agreements specific, actionable, and flexible, and be ready to revisit them.

Effective communication is the cornerstone of these steps. You can find more comprehensive strategies in How to Communicate Better with Your Partner.

Rebuilding Trust and Intimacy After a Breach

A breach of trust, whether from infidelity, dishonesty, or consistent neglect, can feel devastating. Fixing relationship problems that involve trust requires significant, consistent effort.

• Trust takes time. There’s no quick fix. Healing requires patience, transparency, and a willingness to endure discomfort.
• Be honest and consistent. Your actions must align with your words. Rebuilding trust means being truthful in all interactions, consistently following through on commitments, and demonstrating reliability. This means making a conscious effort to rebuild, not just hoping it will happen.
• Rebuild connection through shared experiences. Intentional time together, like date nights, shared hobbies, or simply engaging in open conversations, helps rekindle intimacy. Physical affection, if appropriate, can also be a powerful way to reconnect.
• Open conversations. Regularly check in with your partner about how they are feeling, what they need, and what you can do to make them feel safe and loved. This isn’t about avoiding conflict but about creating a space where both partners feel safe enough to be vulnerable.

At Therapy in Barcelona, we understand the challenges of rebuilding trust, especially for expats who might feel isolated from their usual support networks. Our couples counselling services offer a safe and confidential space to help you through these challenges. You can find more info about couples therapy with Therapy in Barcelona.

How to Manage Conflict Constructively

Conflict is a normal, even necessary, part of any healthy relationship. The key is not to avoid it, but to learn how to manage it constructively. Unresolved conflicts accumulate, creating unhealthy layers that damage the relationship. A conflict that is resolved, however, can bring you closer.

• Set ground rules for arguments. Before you even start discussing a contentious issue, agree on rules: no name-calling, no raising voices, no interrupting, and taking breaks if needed.
• Take breaks when needed. When emotions run high, our ability to think rationally diminishes. If you or your partner feel overwhelmed or “flooded,” agree to pause the discussion and revisit it later when calmer. Use a code word to signal the need for a break.
• Use “I” statements. Instead of “You always ignore me,” try “I feel unheard when my concerns aren’t acknowledged.” This prevents blame and keeps the focus on your feelings and needs.
• Stay focused on the present issue. Avoid bringing up past grievances or unrelated problems. Address one issue at a time to prevent the conversation from spiralling.
• Avoid contempt. Contempt, which includes sarcasm, cynicism, eye-rolling, and hostile humour, is highly corrosive to relationships. It sends a message of disgust and disrespect, and according to relationship research, is one of the strongest predictors of relationship failure.

Learning these skills can transform arguments from destructive battles into opportunities for deeper understanding and connection. For more in-depth strategies, refer to Conflict Resolution Skills from HelpGuide.

When to Repair and When to Let Go: Recognising the Signs

Not all relationships can or should be fixed. While many problems are opportunities for growth, some situations indicate a need to prioritise your well-being and consider leaving. Knowing the difference between a salvageable relationship and one that is unhealthy or abusive is crucial.

Red Flags That Signal an Unhealthy Relationship

Any form of abuse is a reason to leave a relationship. If you are experiencing any of the following, traditional relationship advice is not appropriate and can be actively harmful. Your safety and well-being are paramount.

• Abuse—emotional, physical, or financial. Emotional abuse can include threats, intimidation, constant criticism, or controlling behaviour. Physical abuse involves any harm to your body. Financial abuse involves controlling your money, preventing you from working, or accumulating debt in your name. Electronic harassment and sexual coercion also fall under this umbrella.
• Harmful dependence without recovery. If a partner has a harmful dependence on a substance or behaviour and refuses to acknowledge the problem or commit to a recovery process, the relationship will likely remain trapped in a cycle of hurt and disappointment.
• Consistent contempt or stonewalling. These are indicators of deep relational distress. Contempt (disrespect, mockery, eye-rolling) and stonewalling (withdrawing, shutting down, refusing to communicate) erode the very foundation of respect and connection.
• Repeated infidelity without remorse. While infidelity can sometimes be overcome, a pattern of repeated betrayal coupled with a lack of genuine remorse or effort to change signals a fundamental breakdown of trust and commitment.

If you are in Spain and worried that your relationship is showing signs of abuse, you can call the government’s dedicated helpline by dialling 016. The service is free, confidential, does not appear on your phone bill, and provides support in multiple languages, including English. For information on changing your own behaviours, resources are available from organisations like Respect in the UK which offer guidance for those who may be causing harm.

Green Flags: Signs Your Relationship Is Worth Saving

While general divorce rates for first marriages can be as high as 40-50% in some Western countries, research shows that couples who seek help and learn new skills can have a 70% chance or higher of significantly improving their relationship. The difference isn’t in the problems they face—it’s in how they address them. Here are signs that your efforts to repair might bear fruit:

• Both partners are willing to work. Repair requires effort from both sides. If both individuals are committed to putting in the time and energy, it’s a strong positive sign.
• Each takes responsibility. A willingness to own one’s contribution to problems, rather than always blaming the other, is crucial for growth.
• There are glimmers of empathy. Even amidst conflict, if you can still connect with your partner’s pain or they with yours, it shows a capacity for understanding.
• You share core values. Fundamental incompatibilities in core values and life goals can be incredibly difficult to bridge. If your core values align, you have a strong foundation.
• You can imagine a happy future together. Despite current struggles, if you can still envision a positive shared future, it indicates a desire to overcome challenges.
• Both are open to seeking help. A willingness to engage with a therapist or counsellor demonstrates a commitment to the relationship and a desire for external guidance.

Frequently Asked Questions about Fixing Relationship Problems

What’s the difference between ‘fixing’ a problem and truly listening to a partner?

This is a critical distinction when fixing relationship problems. When someone tries to “fix” a problem, their focus is often on finding a solution or making the uncomfortable feeling go away. While well-intentioned, this can make a partner feel unheard or invalidated. It implies that their feelings are a problem to be solved, rather than an experience to be understood.

Truly listening, on the other hand, is about emotional connection. It involves:

• Empathy: Trying to understand your partner’s perspective and feelings, even if you don’t agree with them.
• Validation: Acknowledging that their feelings are legitimate and understandable, given their experience. “I can see why you’d be upset” is validating; “You shouldn’t feel that way” is invalidating.
• Presence: Giving your full attention, without interrupting or formulating your response.

Often, when a partner expresses distress, they are seeking connection and understanding, not immediate solutions. They want to feel “safe, seen, soothed, and secure.” By focusing on listening and validating first, you create an emotionally safe space. Solutions can come later, once both partners feel heard.

Can a relationship survive after a major mistake like infidelity?

Yes, a relationship can survive after a major mistake like infidelity, but it requires immense effort, commitment, and honesty from both partners. It’s not an easy path, and it can take years to rebuild trust. Key components for recovery include:

• Genuine remorse from the partner who committed the infidelity. This means taking full responsibility, expressing deep regret, and showing a clear commitment to change.
• Transparency and honesty. The unfaithful partner must be willing to answer questions, be open about their actions, and rebuild trust through consistent, trustworthy behaviour.
• Addressing the root issues. Infidelity often stems from underlying problems in the relationship or individual issues. Both partners must be willing to explore and address these root causes.
• Professional support. Couples therapy is often essential in navigating the intense emotions, rebuilding communication, and establishing new boundaries required to heal from infidelity. Leigh Matthews, an Australian Psychologist in Barcelona since 2011 and founder of Therapy in Barcelona, has extensive experience supporting internationals through such complex challenges.

How do I know if the relationship is worth saving?

This is a deeply personal question, but there are common indicators to consider. A relationship is often worth saving if:

• Both partners are committed to change. There’s a mutual desire and willingness to put in the work required for repair and growth.
• Both can take responsibility for their contributions to the problems, rather than solely blaming the other.
• There’s a foundation of love and respect that, despite current challenges, you both feel is still present.
• You share core values and a vision for the future. While differences are natural, fundamental disagreements on core life values can be difficult to overcome.
• You can communicate constructively, or are willing to learn how. Even if current communication is poor, a shared commitment to improving it is a green flag.
• There is no ongoing abuse. As mentioned earlier, abuse is a clear red flag that often necessitates leaving for safety and well-being.
• You can imagine a happy future together. If the thought of a future with your partner still brings hope and joy, it’s a powerful motivator for repair.

If one or both partners are unwilling to engage, if contempt is consistently present, or if there’s ongoing abuse, it may be healthier to consider letting go.

Alternatives for Relationship Support: What to Consider

When facing fixing relationship problems, many people look for support. It’s important to know your options, especially for internationals living in Spain.

Public Health System Clinicians In Spain, public health services (like those in Barcelona, Madrid, or Valencia) may offer some psychological support, including for relationship issues. However, waiting lists can be long, and finding English-speaking therapists who understand expat challenges is rare. The approach may also be less tailored to individual needs.

Large Online Platforms Some internationals try global online therapy platforms. These can be convenient for digital nomads or those in secondary hubs like Marbella or Gran Canaria, offering flexibility and access from anywhere. However, they may lack local cultural understanding, and the personalised matching process can be hit-or-miss. Privacy policies can also vary, and data selling is sometimes a concern.

Local Practices There are many private practices in Barcelona, Valencia, Málaga, and across Spain. Each has its own approach and strengths. The quality and specialisation can vary significantly, making it challenging to find the right fit.

What Makes Therapy in Barcelona Different? At Therapy in Barcelona, we understand the unique challenges of fixing relationship problems while living abroad. Our approach is specifically designed for the international community:

• Bespoke therapist matching for internationals and expats. We don’t just match you with the next available therapist; we carefully consider your needs, concerns, and cultural background to find the best fit.
• Multilingual, psychology-trained therapists. Our team speaks English, German, French, Spanish, Portuguese, Afrikaans, Austrian-German, and Swiss-German, ensuring you can express yourself fully in your preferred language.
• Strict privacy—no data selling. We are committed to maintaining the highest standards of confidentiality and ethical practice.
• In-person sessions in Barcelona and online therapy across Spain, including Valencia, Málaga, Alicante, Madrid, Marbella, Sevilla, and worldwide (including USA and Canada). This offers flexibility and accessibility wherever you are.
• Founded by Leigh Matthews, an Australian Psychologist in Barcelona since 2011, with deep experience supporting internationals. Leigh herself is an expat and understands the challenges of intercultural relationships and living away from home. Our team comprises highly qualified professionals with psychology training from their native countries, ensuring expertise and competence.

Conclusion

Repairing a relationship is an active, ongoing process that demands courage and patience. It’s about more than just solving a single conflict; it’s about learning new ways to communicate, rebuilding trust, and fostering a deeper understanding of one another. The goal isn’t a perfect relationship, but one where both partners feel seen, heard, and committed to growing together.

If you’re an international in Barcelona, Valencia, Málaga, or anywhere in Spain, you don’t have to face these challenges alone. Our team at Therapy in Barcelona offers culturally sensitive, personalised support for couples and individuals, helping you develop the skills and insights needed to improve your relationship. If you’d like support, book a Free Discovery Call with us. Online sessions are available worldwide, offering a compassionate space for your healing and growth.